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TUPAC was never dead….

Tupac rose from the dead and stole the show at Coachella, performing alongside Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre. “What the f- is up, Coachella?” a hologram of the rapper, who died in 1996, asked the audience. The walking-and-talking projection is estimated to have cost about $400,000 and took four months to complete. It was a team effort by Dr. Dre, James Cameron’s Digital Domain, and two imaging companies. But how did the digital Tupac work? Although it is being called a hologram, it was actually a 2-D projection. Just before Tupac’s appearance, a 30-foot-by-13-foot transparent screen descended across the stage. The images of Tupac were projected from above onto a reflective surface, which then reflected them onto the giant screen. The screen was angled in such a way that the audience could watch Tupac performing but could not see the screen itself. Dr. Dre has yet to say how he got Tupac’s voice to sing the songs and say the word “Coachella.”

now let’s reason…………………………….

The uncontested facts:

After leaving the Tyson fight on Saturday September 7, 1996 Tupac was alledgedly shot 5 times.  He lived through the shooting and was taken to a nearby hospital.
He was pronounced dead on Friday September 13, 1996.


The suspicious facts:

Friday the 13th is a very suspicious day.

There were never any pictures released of Tupac in the hospital.

In the song “Life Goes On”, Tupac raps about his own funeral.

The driver of the car in which Tupac was riding, Suge Knight (the executive producer of Death Row Records), didn’t show up for questioning about the shooting.

The video “I ain’t Mad at Cha” was released only a few days after his death. “I ain’t Mad at Cha” is track 13 on the album All Eyes On Me. The video shows Tupac as an angel in heaven.  In the video, Tupac was shot after leaving a theater with a friend, which is very similar to how he was shot in real life. Interestingly, Tupac dies in his last video released under the name “Tupac”.  His new video “Toss It Up” from the new album was released under the name “Makaveli”.

The second video to be released by the name Makaveli is “To Live and Die in L.A.” But how could they shoot the second video when he is “dead”. Do you really think the video was shot 4 months ago, back in August of ’96? Think about it.

In the video “Hail Mary” released under the name Makaveli, there is a gravestone that says Makaveli.  But the gravestone is cracked and there is a hole right in front of it, inferring that Makaveli rose from the dead.

A shooting involving Snoop Doggy Dogg occured close to the release of his album Doggystyle.  The shooting made Snoop appear more “real” and showed his fans that he really was a gangsta.  The shooting gave him respect because everyone that bought his album believed what he was talking about.  Within one week of its release, Doggystyle went platnium.  Snoop is signed to the same label as Tupac which is Death Row Records. In December ’96, Tupac’s new album went platinum.

In interviews prior to the shooting, Tupac talked about how he wanted to stop rapping and being a gangsta and get out of the limelight.  What is the only way Tupac could completly escape the media spotlight ???  (Answer: if the public thought he was dead.)

There are no suspects for the shooting.

Press wasn’t going to be allowed at the funeral, but then the funeral was cancelled for unknown reasons.

Tupac always wore a bulletproof vest, no matter where he went.  Why didn’t he wear it to a very public event like a Tyson fight? (Because he wanted to make it seem like he could be shot.)

In most of his songs he talks about being buried, so why was he allegedly cremated the day after he “died”?  And since when do they cremate someone the day after death without an autopsy?  Furthermore, it is illegal to bury someone who has been murdered without an autopsy.

The new Tupac album released on Nov. 5, and was originally supposed to be an EP of 6 songs, but was then extended to a full length album of 12 songs.

Tupac’s alias is Makaveli. Though the spelling is different, Machiavelli was a 16th century italian philosopher who advocated the staging of one’s death in order to evade one’s enemies and gain power.

In Machiavelli’s book Discourses Upon the First Ten Books of Titus Livy, in Book 2 Chapter XIII he says “a prince who wishes to achieve great things must learn to deceive”.  This is Machiavelli’s main idea and is the connection between Tupac and the writings of Machiavelli.

The title of the new album by Makaveli (Tupac) is The 7 Day Theory.  He was shot on September 7th; and survived on the 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, and”died” the 13th. Hence the title The 7 Day Theory.

Tupac’s album All Eyes on Me was released on Feb.13, 1996.  Tupac “died” on Sept.13, 1996.  It is quite a coincidence that the two dates are exactly 7 months apart.
Tupac officially died at 4:03 PM. 4+3 = 7 Also he “died” at an age of 25 years. 2+5 = 7 It seems as if seven is Tupac’s number.

There is nothing in the new album that says TUPAC RIP 1971-1996.  Wouldn’t it make sense to include something like that in the first album after his “death”? The only thing mentioned is “EXIT TUPAC ENTER MAKAVELI”.

The executive producer of The 7 Day Theory , as listed in the CD booklet of the album, is Simon (who is a previously unknown producer in the rap music industry).  In the bible, Simon was an apostle of Jesus.  Simon was one of the first witnesses of the Resurrection listed by Saint Paul (I Cor. 15: 5).   Could Simon be a reference to Suge Knight(the executive producer of Death Row records)? Simon was renamed “Peter, the rock” (John 1:42).

In Richie Rich’s album Seasoned Veteran, which was released on the same day as The 7 Day Theory, on the song “N*ggas Done Changed” which is a duet with Tupac, Tupac says the following lyrics: “I’ve been shot and murdered, can’t tell you how it happened word for word / but best believe that n*ggas’ gonna get what they deserve.”  This phrase implies that Tupac knows he will be dead when Richie Rich’s album is released.

In Makaveli’s (Tupac’s) song “White Man’s World” on album The 7 Day Theory, he says “We ain’t never gonna walk off this planet unless ya’ll choose to.” Did he choose to walk off the planet by faking his death?

In Tupac’s song “Ambitionz az a Ridah” on the album All Eyes On Me, he says ”Blast me but they didn’t finish, didn’t diminish my powers so now I’m back to be a muthaf*ckin’ menace, they cowards thats why they tried to set me up, had b*tch *ss n*ggas on my team so indeed they wet me up, BUT I’M BACK REINCARNATED.”  This implies that Tupac is reincarnated as Makaveli.

In Tupac’s song “Life of an Outlaw” on the album The 7 Day Theory, he says “All for the street fame on how to be managed, to plan sh*t, 6 months in advance to what we plotted, approved to go on swole and now I got it”-Life Of An Outlaw. This implies that Tupac planned his “death” in advance and now he is enjoying the success of his plan.

In Tupac’s song “Made Niggaz” from the Supercop Soundtrack, he says “F*ck ‘em all who don’t understand my plot to get richer… Outlaw to the grave, a muthaf*ckin’ made nigga I got a plan to get richer. Take my picture.” Once again he mentions his “plan” to get rich.

In E-40′s album Hall Of Game in the song “Million Dollar Spot” which is a duet with Tupac, Tupac says, “Fans can’t understand my ghetto slang, so i evade and plot and plan a life of better things….”  Once again Tupac mentions his “plan”.

In Tupac’s song “Ain’t Hard 2 Find” on the album All Eyes On Me, he says “I heard rumors I died, murdered in cold blood, tramatized pictures of me in my final states, you know momma cryed, but that was fiction, some coward got the story twisted.”  It seems as if Tupac foretold the future.

Scarface’s song “Smile”, which is a duet with Tupac, was supposedly recorded in September of ’96, before Tupac was “shot”. But the video for the song was released in May of ’97 and the video depicts Tupac rapping while he appears to be crucified. At the end of the video, Tupac falls off the cross and stands up…which is another image of resurection. Towards the end of the video, it becomes slightly apparent that Tupac is actually portrayed by a look-alike. I still wonder, if he is really dead, then why do they keep making everyone so suspicious???

In the video for “I Wonder if Heaven Got a Ghetto” the town it takes place in is called Rukahs. “Rukahs” spelled backwards is “Shakur”.  The room he goes into with the girl is room number 7. The clock in the background at the end is at 4:03…the same time he officially died. More funny stuff from the video producers. My question still remains, why?

In Tupac’s song “No More Pain” on the album All Eyes On Me, he says “A heart of a soldier with the brains to teach a whole nation.” Could this be a reference to Machievelli or Jesus?

On the cover of The 7 Day Theory, there is a picture of Tupac being crucified.  This fits with the idea that Tupac “died” so he could be reincarnated as Makaveli. In the picture, there are five bullet holes. Interestingly, Tupac was “shot” 5 times.

The only witness to the shooting, Yafeu Fula, was found shot to death on Nov. 10th in a hallway of an apartment building in East Orange, NJ.  Hmm…now no one will get any info out of him.

After the shooting of Notorious B.I.G. on March 9th, 1997 Lieutenant Wayne Petersen of the the homicide division of the Las Vegas Police Department who has been investigating Shakur’s alleged killing said, “Before yesterday, I had never even heard of the Notorious B.I.G.  There is no link between the two murders. We think the only connection is in the minds of the media. The media wants to connect the two.”  If you asked anyone who knows anything about the Tupac case, they would say something about the rivalry between Biggie and Tupac. How will the Las Vegas police ever solve the case if they don’t know the basics? The answer is that they won’t. C’mon guys, that is pretty pathetic.

According to my friend Roger as well as numerous other sources, in the first three seconds of The 7 Day Theory, the words “Suge shot me” are spoken very softly. Check it out for yourself, but that certainly is suspicious and it must mean something.

According to Neal, on the song “Thug Luv” which is a duet with Tupac on Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s double CD Art Of War after Tupac says “whuz poppin’ n*gga”, Bizzy Bone can be heard saying “He’s Alive He’s Alive He’s Alive” in the background.

During an interview, an ABC correspondent asked Suge Knight, “If you knew who killed Tupac, would you tell the police?”. Suge answered, “Absolutely not.”

On November 25, 1997 a new 2 Pac album will be released on Jive Records called R U Still Down. It is being released under the name “2 Pac” not “Makaveli”. This implies many things…does this mean that “2 pac” is back?

I have heard there is a “new” artist called “Blac Haze”. The song that I have heard by them is called “Let Me Holla At Cha”.
In the video “Heaven Gotta Ghetto”, the license plate of the car that he gets in with the older man reads “61671″. Another obvious occurance of the number seven and the sum of seven (6+1).

This bit of info comes from Michael Penn: In the CD booklet of the “R U Still Down” album the it is written “Keep the faith in me I wont let u down…love 2pac”. Can he be advising us not to dwell on his “death” because he is coming back?

This comes from Mike Frankel: If you rearrange the letters in the album title “Makaveli The Don Killuminati The 7Day Theory” You can make the sentence “Ok on tha 7th u think I’m dead yet I’m really alive”. Mike explains “7th meaning the 7th day after he was shot, he supposedly died but is really alive.” That’s quite amazing, try it for yourself.

Doesn’t all this sound a bit too ridiculous, although there is no specific fact that makes my theory valid, there is nothing the obviously disproves it, but it all adds up to something, there must be something funny going on.  Don’t you think?    Well Theres More.

Many rumours have told that Tupac is alive and was faking his own death for his security. Here are a couple of theories why rapper and entertainer Tupac Amaru Shakur isn`t dead.

1. 2pac died on Friday the 13th…

2. Las Vegas is a payoff City…meaning all sorts of folks have been known to be on the take…that means doctors, press, lawyers etc.

3. The car that the assailants were using during the drive-by shooting a white cadillac was never found for some strange reason…How could this be when Las Vegas is in the middle of a desert?

4. There is a small Black community on the North side of town…This strip is only about 8 blocks long…The attackers were black…Where did they go ? Where did they hide ?

5. The white cadillac containing the gunmen passes a entourage of 2pacs boys…many of them body guards…No one gives chase…and there are no witness…There were no witness on the street…How come? Why not?

6. 2pac has changed his artist name to Makaveli…He was an Italian war strategist who thought about faking his own death to fool his enemies…Tupac admired Machiavelli and he had read his classic book “The Prince”. Tupac maybe took Machiavellis thougts to reality and faked his own death?

7. The cover off Makavelis new album has him on a cross and looking like Jesus Christ…Could he be planning a resurrection ?

8. Las Vegas is in the middle of a desert…How come there was no helicopter chase…If someone was to rob a casino The LVPD would have chased you down with some helicopters… How come this did not happen with Tupacs shooting?

9. Mr.Shakur was cremeated the day after he died…Since when does somebody get creamated the day after a murder…There was no autospy.

10. There was no ballistic tests…At least we have not heard about them.

11. Las Vegas is still very much a mob town…No one gets killed on the strip…You have to pretty much get permission in order for something like this to happen…Who was calling the shots on this one…Maybe BadBoy Records, Mobb Deep, Nas or The Crips…Lord Knows?

12. Tupacs vehicle got shot 12 times and Suge did not get hit once…He was grazed by a bullet…Why did Tupac get shot all those times and Suge not get hit?

13. Suge said he drove Tupac to the hospital and they had a coherent conversation ? How bad was Tupac hit ? In addition to all this…There are conflicting stories claiming that Quincy Jones daughter was in the back off the car…and then she was not…What is the deal for all this?

14. A police communication supervisor who identified herself as Mrs.Coleman said “the rapper will survive”…Why did she make that statement…I mean you don`t go out and tell people that Tupac is going to survive if it isn`t a very clear case that Tupac is going to survive…Otherwise you don`t make a statement like that.

15. Tupac has completed 2 movies and 3 lps that have yet to be realesed…With so many people upset about Shakurs demise…literally anything connected with him is bound to net a whole lot off money…

16. Suge Knight and 2pac are the only two music industry people on that high profile with enough balls to pull off a stunt like faking death…

17. Tupacs video “I ain´t mad at ya” foretold his death…

18. Tupacs age is 25(2+5=7), he was shot on the 7th september, the shooting took place seven months after release of “All eyez on me”, he died at 4.03 pm (4+3=7), Tupac died on the seventh day in the hospital, and it is more but I don´t have time to write down the rest but all of these numbers is ending up with 7. Is this the reason why the Makaveli record is called “the don killuminati the 7 day theory”.

19. Tupac was planning to leave Deathrow at the time of the shooting…

20. Tupac and his gang were involved in a fight earlier that night with a Crip member called Orlando Anderson. The Bloods and the Crips are two rival gangs. Maybe there was some gang involvement in the shooting.

21. There is also a rumour that Mobb Deep was in Las Vegas that night and saw the fight. Nas had a beef with Tupac at the Mtv Awards and you know how tight Nas and Mobb Deep are.

22. If you listen carefully at the intro of the Makaveli record you will hear a low voice sayin “Suge shot me” could Suge somehow be involved, was he the real target behind the shooting because of his connections with the Bloods, but the question is still why Tupac got shot all those times and Suge not. Maybe Suge set Tupac up just to get more albums sold?

23. Tupac always wore a bulletproof vest but for some strange reason he didn`t wear one the night of the shooting…Why not?

24. The memorial services that were open to the public were cancelled in both Los Angeles and Atlanta…

25. One week after Tupacs death over 1000 people called the cops in Haiti and said that they saw Tupac there…

26. Biggie or Notorious B.I.G a New York rapper who represents Bad Boy records was murdered in Los Angeles almost at the same way Tupac was. Was this murder connected with Tupacs murder. Maybe a revenge?

27. On the Makaveli record the producers name is Simon. That´s kind of strange because Suge Knights name has been standing on every Death row record as a producer. On the Makaveli record you see Tupac crusified on a cross, like Jesus. Simon was the name of a guy who helped Jesus carry the cross. Could Suge Knight be Simon?

28. At the MTV Music Awards in New York Tupac surrounded himself with bodyguards and he also had a walkie talkie in his hand as security. He knew that death was around the corner… A coupple of members of the Deathrow family including Tupac also came into a conflict with another group of men at the awards including Nas…police were called to break it up…but before the police had entered the scene Deathrows CEO Marion “Suge” Knight officialy slapped Nas…

 
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Posted by on April 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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It is only in Kenya……

Let’s take a look at ourselves and have a laugh. Aren’t we great?

ONLY Kenyans …….

1. Are engaged for 5 years or more

2. Never bother to divorce, they just separate

3. Are late to church, work, and everything else EXCEPT when the disco is free before 9pm

4. Refer to diabetes as ‘SUGAR’

5. Show up at weddings, showers, graduation, birthday parties with a new outfit on with nails and hair done but no gift

6. In relation to #5, they eat like parking boys and take a plate home

7. Consider ‘clubbing’ or ‘henging’ as a monthly expense

8. Leave bills (instead of insurance money) behind for surviving relatives.

9. Borrow money for a wedding.

10. Have mothers who can use curse words and religion ALL IN ONE SENTENCE e.g. “Lord, give me strength because I’m about to knock the hell out of this child”

11. spend the car insurance money on everything EXCEPT getting the dent fixed.

12. invite co-workers and all of their friends to their child’s 1st birthday party which happens to have a professional DJ with only about 3 kid (including the child) in attendance. And then expect the guests to “changa” for the bash.

13. Start every sentence with “Me I…”e.g. “ME I donno why you are saying that I always say ‘Me I’.

14. Say ‘Spend’ when they are staying the night elsewhere from home, e.g. “Are you going to spend at her place?”

15. Put in iron rods in all windows and main doors …referring to them as ”Burglar”

16. Use “Ngai” as an exclamation mark e.g. “Ngai, what are you doing?”

17. Believe “Ati” is an English word for “What?”

18. Think it is cool to drink and drive and get away with it “I don’t know how I got home that day..the way I was soo drunk!”

19. Think all their economic and social problems are caused by “Kibaki” when in fact some have never been to school.

20. Pack up all their earthly goods to go to “shaggs” for a week in December, only to pack them all back again after that one week and return to “Tao”

21. Call travelling “flying out” e.g. She flew out (no one ever seems to wonder where all these Kenyans fly to)

22. Think that taking a clerical job in a company is better and “cooler” than toiling in their parents’ family business.

23. Prefer washing cars and dishes in USA to toiling in their 20-acre tea farms in Kenya .

24. Call their homes “at ours”. e.g., “At ours, we eat Githeri every day”

25. Complain for five years about poor governance and corruption then vote in the same clowns back to parliament.

26. Have a chief Justice who has no law degree!

27. Go on strike for one day and expect the govt. to resign!

28. Sit back in their homes and expect their MP to “bring Development”

29. Refuse to insure against anything and expect you to bankroll them when calamity strikes… thro’ Harambee.

30. Sit calmly and sometimes cheer as a mad man drives them in a ramshackle at breakneck speed to certain death.

31. Drive with their windows wound up when they get to city centre because of 4-year-old brats armed with human feaces, and still claim to be free people!

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

A breakthrough, through & through….. for IT geeks

All-new quad-core processors. Thunderbolt technology. The FaceTime HD camera. MacBook Pro has more than its share of innovations.

Up to 2x faster processors and2x faster graphics.

Next-generation quad-core and dual-core Intel processors.

The 13-inch MacBook Pro now features a 2.4GHz Intel Core i5 processor or the fastest dual-core processor available — the 2.8GHz Intel Core i7. With Turbo Boost speeds up to 3.5GHz, these processors allow the 13-inch MacBook Pro to perform up to twice as fast as the previous generation.1

But we couldn’t leave fast enough alone. The new 15- and 17-inch models bring quad-core power to almost everything you do. The available 2.5GHz quad-core Intel Core i7 processor — with Turbo Boost speeds up to 3.6GHz and up to 8MB of shared L3 cache — enables these MacBook Pro models to run applications up to twice as fast as their top-of-the-line predecessors.2

Learn more about the processors in MacBook Pro

The graphics performance you need, when you need it.

The integrated Intel HD Graphics 3000 processor — now included across the MacBook Pro lineup — handles the things you do every day. It encodes video quickly, making HD video calls with FaceTime possible. And it decodes efficiently, so you get long playback time for DVDs and iTunes movies.

For graphics-intensive applications, the 15- and 17-inch MacBook Pro models automatically switch to new high-performance AMD Radeon graphics processors. With up to 2x the performance of the previous generation,3 they let you see more frames per second in 3D games, or work on HD video projects with more speed and responsiveness than before.

Learn more about the graphics in
MacBook Pro

Introducing Thunderbolt.
The fastest, most versatile I/O ever in a notebook.

Imagine accessing multiple streams of uncompressed HD video — from your notebook — at speeds that let you edit an HD feature film in real time. That’s how Thunderbolt technology will connect the next generation of high-performance peripherals to the next generation of computers — starting with MacBook Pro. Ultrafast and ultraflexible, the Thunderbolt pipeline is up to 12 times faster than FireWire 800 and up to 20 times faster than USB 2.0, and it offers unprecedented expansion capabilities. It changes what you can do on a notebook.

The Thunderbolt port will give you plug-and-play performance with a whole new world of Thunderbolt peripherals, as well as with the Apple LED Cinema Display and other Mini DisplayPort peripherals. You can daisy-chain as many as six devices, including your display. And with support for video and eight-channel audio, it’s easy to connect HDMI-compatible devices — like your TV and home stereo — using the HDMI adapter you already have. Current VGA, DVI, and DisplayPort adapters are also supported.

Learn more about Thunderbolt

The new FaceTime HD camera. The difference is clear.

Get more of your friends in the picture with crisp, widescreen HD video. The new FaceTime HD camera gives you three times the resolution of the previous camera — perfect for the brilliant LED-backlit display — along with improved low-light performance. You and your friends can make 720p HD calls from your MacBook Pro to any Mac with a FaceTime HD camera. You can also make video calls to iPad 2, iPhone 4, iPhone 4S, iPod touch, and other Intel-based Mac computers.4

Learn more about FaceTime for Mac

Multi-Touch trackpad.
Be more hands-on.

The Multi-Touch trackpad is the most natural way to interact with what’s on your screen, and the smooth glass surface gives you plenty of room for gestures. Pinch to zoom in and out, swipe to flip through photos, rotate to adjust an image, and much more. The buttonless design lets you click anywhere. And if you’re coming from a right-click world, you can right-click with two fingers or configure a right-click area on the trackpad. The more you use the Multi-Touch trackpad, the more you’ll wonder how you ever did without it.

A long-lasting battery. Charge less. Do more.

The new MacBook Pro delivers amazing battery life. And that’s with more powerful processors and faster graphics. An energy-efficient processor architecture with an integrated video encoder, along with automatic graphics switching in the 15- and 17-inch models, all help improve battery life. So you can expect to surf the web wirelessly for up to 7 hours on a single charge.5 Or take your entire creative studio on the road for live performances or a location shoot. Advanced chemistry and Adaptive Charging give you up to 1000 full charge and discharge cycles — nearly three times the lifespan of typical notebook batteries.6 And because the MacBook Pro battery lasts up to five years, MacBook Pro uses just one battery in the same time a typical notebook uses three. That’s better for you and for the environment.


up to 7 hrswireless web

Apple is using a new, more rigorous battery test that measures the results you can expect in the real world — like surfing your favorite sites in a coffee shop or catching up on the latest web videos. Even using this new test, MacBook Pro delivers amazing battery life. For your real life.

Anytime, Anywhere Access

Now you can get Internet access when and where you need it, because the new MacBook Pro can share the 3G connection on your iPhone 4S or iPhone 4. Check with your mobile provider for details.

It’s very well connected.

When you’re out and about, the latest 802.11n wireless technology in MacBook Pro makes it easy to get connected just about anywhere.7 MacBook Pro automatically finds available networks and allows you to join them with a click. Bluetooth wireless technology is also built in, so you can use your favorite wireless accessories right out of the box.

Ports with possibility.

With the new Thunderbolt port, you can daisy-chain as many as six devices, including your display, to create a full-fledged workstation. Two USB 2.0 ports (three on the 17-inch MacBook Pro) and a FireWire 800 port let you connect your iPad, iPod, iPhone, digital cameras, and external hard drives.

The new SDXC card slot on the 13- and 15-inch MacBook Pro models supports up to 64GB cards and makes it a snap to transfer all those photos to and from your MacBook Pro, so you can edit and share them on the spot. And the ExpressCard/34 slot on the 17-inch MacBook Pro is perfect for an eSATA adapter — or even a 3G wireless card for times when no Wi-Fi network is available.

Burn DVDs superfast.

Use the 8X SuperDrive on MacBook Pro to burn DVDs in no time. Since the SuperDrive writes to double-layer discs (DVDs with nearly 9GB of space), it’s great for backing up data, too.

 
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Posted by on April 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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GIKUYU TYPICAL

There was once a Kikuyu man called Mwangi who was
involved in a car accident. At the hospital, when he
awoke, he called for the nurse to tell him what had
happened to him.
“I’m very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very
bad car crash”.
“Car crash! My MB M W! My MB M! is my car all right?”
he asked hysterically.
“Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of
your worries you lost your left arm in the crash, and
we were unable to save it he said apologetically.
“I rost my arm? My Rorex! My Rorex!”
“Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your
worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all
your family is here to see you”.
He asked for his family to be called in. As they
gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by
name.

“Wairimu, are you here?”

“I am here husband, and I will never leave you”

“Kamau, are you here?”

“I am here father, and I will never leave you.”

“Wanjiku, are you here?”

“I am here father, and I will never leave you.”

“So, if you are all here who is at the shop???”

 
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Posted by on March 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Omera…. click this into your head!!

The next time you’re in a Luo’s house, just say
you’re cool, however hungry or thirsty you may be!

I recently paid a visit to a Luo’s hao and ended up
not having anything to drink despite the offer.

Below is how the offer was made:

Question: “what would you like to have – fruit,
juice, soda, tea, chocolate, milo or coffee?

Answer: “Tea please”

Question: ” Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey
Bush tea, Ice tea or Green tea?”

Answer: ” Ceylon tea”

Question: “How would you like it? black or white?”

Answer: “White”

Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed Milk?”

Answer: “With Milk”

Question: “Goat Milk, camel milk, cow milk?”

Answer: “with cow milk please”

Question: “Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner
cow?”

Answer: “Jatelo, I will take it black.”

Question: “Would you like it with sweetener, sugar
or honey?”

Answer: “With Sugar”

Question: “Beet sugar or cane sugar?”

Answer: “Cane sugar”

Question: “White, brown or yellow sugar?”

Answer: “Jowa! Forget about tea just give me a
glass of water instead.”

Question: “Mineral water or still water?”

Answer: “Mineral water”

Question: “Flavored or non-flavored?”

Answer: “Gee!! I give up just forget about
everything

Seriousl???

Aiiiii….yawa! eeh…..

 
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Posted by on March 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

NEVER MOCK GOD

It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7): “Be not deceived; God is not
mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

Here are some men and women who mocked God:

JOHN LENNON :
Some years before, during his interview with an American Magazine, he said:

“Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do not have to argue about
that. I am certain. Jesus was OK, but his subjects were too simple, Today
we are more famous than Him” (1966). Lennon , after saying that the Beatles
were more famous than Jesus Christ , was shot six times.

TANCREDO NEVES (President of Brazil ):
During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000 votes from his
party, not even God would remove him from Presidency.
Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made President,
then he died.

CAZUZA (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):
During a show in Cane cão ( Rio de Janeiro ), whilst smoking his cigarette,
he puffed out some smoke into the air and said:
“God, that’s for you.”
He died at the age of 32 of AIDS in a horrible manner.

THE MAN WHO BUILT TITANIC:
After the construction of Ti tanic, a reporter asked him how safe the
Titanic would be. With an ironic tone he said:
“Not even God can sink it”
The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic.

MARILYN MONROE :
She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show. He said
the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her. After hearing what the
Preacher had to say, she said:
“I don’t need your Jesus .”
A week later, she was found dead in her apartment.

BON SCOTT :
The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang:
“Don’t stop me, I’m going down all the way, down the highway to hell.”
On the 19th of February 1980 , Bon Scott was found dead, he had been
choked by his own vomit.

CAMPINAS/SP IN 2005
In Campinas , Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend.
The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the
drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter – holding her
hand, who was already seated in the car:
“MY DAUGHTER, GO WITH GOD AND MAY HE PROTECT YOU.”
She responded:
“ONLY IF HE (GOD) TRAVELS IN THE BOOT , CAUSE INSIDE HERE IT’S ALREADY
FULL “
Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident,
everyone had died, the car could not be recognized what type of car it had
been, but surprisingly, the boot was intact. The police said there was no
way the boot could have remained intact. To their surprise, inside the
boot was a crate of eggs, none were broken…..
Boot means trunk.

Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name that
was given so much authority as the name o f Jesus . Many have died but
only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive.

JESUS !!!

P.S: If it was a joke, you could have sent it to everyone. So are you
going to have courage to send this?. I have done my part, Jesus said
“If you are embarrassed about me, I will also be embarrassed about you
before my father.”

What benefit does it have, if a man gains the whole world but loses his
soul? What can man give in exchange for his soul? ( Matthew 16:26

 
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Posted by on March 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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SMOKE and SMOKE more Marijuana/pot/kush/miwa or woreva u call it. U need it

lance-armstrong

1. Cancer

There is a lot of unfounded rhetoric that states smoking pot can cause lung cancer because your inhaling smoke, like cigarettes. This simply isn’t true. Cigarette smoke causes cancer because the tobacco is radiated whereas marijuana isn’t. In fact, the American Association for Cancer Research has found the marijuana actually works to slow down tumor growth in the lungs, breasts, and brain considerably.

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seizure

2. Seizures

Marijuana is a muscle relaxant and has “antispasmodic” qualities which have proven to be a very effective treatment of seizures. There are actually countless cases of people suffering from seizures that have only been able to function better through the use of marijuana.

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migraine

3. Migraines

Since medicinal marijuana was legalized in California, doctors have reported that they have been able to treat more than 300,000 cases of migraines that conventional medicine couldn’t through marijuana. And that’s NOT just because it’s easy to fake having migraines, right? RIGHT?!

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glaucoma

4. Glaucoma

Marijuana’s treatment of glaucoma has been one of the best documented. There isn’t a single valid study that exists that disproves marijuana’s very powerful and popular effects on glaucoma patients. Beat that, DEA!

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montel-williams

5. Multiple Sclerosis

Marijuana’s effects on multiple sclerosis patients became better documented when former talk-show host, Montel Williams began to use pot to treat his MS. Marijuana works to stop the neurological effects and muscle spasms that come from the fatal disease.

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tourettes

6. Tourette’s and OCD

Just like marijuana can treat seizures and multiple sclerosis, marijuana’s effects slow down the tics in those suffering from Tourette’s, and the obsessive neurological symptoms in people with OCD.

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adhd

7. ADD and ADHD

A well documented USC study done about a year ago showed that marijuana is not only a perfect alternative for Ritalin but treats the disorder without any of the negative side effects of the pharmaceutical.

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stomachache

8. IBS and Crohn’s

Marijuana has shown that it can help with symptoms of the chronic diseases as it stops nausea, abdominal pain, and diarrhea.

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old-man

9. Alzheimer’s

Despite what you may have heard about marijuana’s effects on the brain, the Scripps Institute, in 2006, proved that the THC found in marijuana works to prevent Alzheimer’s by blocking the deposits in the brain that cause the disease.

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pms

10. Premenstrual Syndrome

Next time your girlfriend is complaining that you smoke too much weed, hand her a joint. Just like marijuana is used to treat IBS, it can be used to treat the cramps and discomfort that causes your girlfriend to lash out at you. Using marijuana for PMS actually goes all the way back to Queen Victoria. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

So now that you’ve read through all this, can you really let anyone convince you of a need for marijuana rehab? I think we’ve made a pretty good case that marijuana IS rehab! It is also highly recommended that you check out The Union (for free!), a great documentary made by Brett Harvey.

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TEA POT/ MARIJUANA TEA

Tea pot, also called cannabis tea or sometimes weed tea, is exactly what it sounds like. It is a method of making tea using marijuana. It is not done with the intention to get stoned, as the levels of psychoactive ingredients are dispersed when added to hot water. There is nothing new about brewing cannabis into a tea. A number of cultures, including some tribes of Native Americans, Chinese and citizens of India have used cannabis as both the brewed tea and as an additive to other types of brewed tea. For example, in India the process of brewing tea using parts of the cannabis plant is referred to as Bhang, which simply means a tea and cannabis mixture.

Despite the ongoing controversy regarding marijuana as a medicinal plant there is enough proof to show that is can help with certain conditions. One of the benefits to this tea pot instead of smoking pot is that it eliminates the need to smoke it. That in itself is a health benefit. Especially since the ingestion of the cannabis in this manner seems to be as beneficial as the other method. One testimonial to this method of using medicinal pot comes from a British athlete, known as one of the best cricket players of the last one hundred years that it helps him to control eye problems he has. Ongoing research into the use of marijuana also indicates that drinking cannabis made into a tea has the same pain relieving benefits that some terminal cancer sufferers receive when smoking cannabis.

 

 

 
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Posted by on February 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

LOUIS OTIENO….the kill of a clearly blossoming relationship

On Sunday, a young lady went to see her parents to make a confession. She was in serious shit, she was in debt up to her eyeballs and Shylocks were on her case EVERY single day about their money.

At such a young age, why was she in debt (Millions we hear?)? Well she wasn’t running a business. She was not living large (her parents were paying for her apartment). She was financing a man’s life.

Yes, at her age, while her agemates were busy trying to get free ‘panty removers’ from dudes in Westlands, this young lass was financing a man’s life and not JUST any man, a man who has been working for well over 10 years, a man who at one point was the ‘Biggest name’ in Kenya. A man whose lifestyle was the talk of town, the flashy cars, the amazing suits, some women FELL for him just by his expensive scents.

That man is Louis Otieno. Louis met the girl when she was living with her parents in the same apartment blocks he used to live in. Her parents eventually moved her to other apartments to try and kill a clearly blossoming relationship.

The Deceased: Careen Kili.

The deceased, Careen Chepchumba, 26, even left a hand-written note addressed to Kilimani Police Commander.

It read: “A note to OCPD Kilimani reporting a complaint against LO for extortion.”

This dude somehow convinced the mama to start borrowing money for him since he was now broke & jobless and everything he was trying out was falling flat on its face.

He lives large, a RR Sport, Supercharged, on the best for an Omera! WATISMANI?! But he wasn’t paying for that shit, someone else was hustling for loans for him and now she’s dead.

She was found dead in her apartment; sources close to the family say it looks like suicide. She couldn’t deal with it anymore; she got into serious debt for a man who clearly didn’t care for her. Louis is hiding somewhere; no one knows where he is. That little leech should be jailed for this fuckery, for being a catalyst to this whole mess!! You’re fucking 40 and you’re living off someone who is barely out of their 20’s … how twisted!?!

Also girls in Nai need to stop being attracted to the ‘Glitter’ you see a man in a nice car, you fall for him. No background checks, nothing! You end up being their slave, because you’re blinded by the lifestyle.

 
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Posted by on February 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

HIGH SCHOOL LOVE LETTER…..muchatha

Dear Wakaguku,

** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ
** “P D N F’— please do no fold
Roll down to you sweetie pie Babe!
wassapangalaz!!! Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. Why! this miraculous thing happened is because papie I love you spontaneously and as I stand horizontal to the wall and perpendicular to the ground I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous guy. papie please Stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat. To me each day starts by thinking of you and ends by dreaming of you. Each time I see you my metabolism suddenly stops and my peristalysis goes in reverse gear. My medular-oblandata also stops functioning.
Crazy crazy crazy you! may say but this is true. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon you would understand. That’s why I need to see you face to face with you, soon. I think I have to pen-off hear because I still haven’t finished studying electrolysis and polymerization. Catch you pa- later. Sleep tight and don’t let those bed bugs ever bite you coz you are too sweet a thing for them.
Yourz Ever,
Sugar honeypie

 
Reply

 

My Decamost Sugar honeypie,

** ROLL DOWN TOU YOU ** KISS BEFORE YOU READ
** ‘ P D N F’— please do no fold
! My Love, My Sugar, i was exasperated with pride to have received one from you, the lungs in my body flapped with joy when i have been reading your letter. Anyway by now you have reached the realisations to why i am jotting this small letter to you, yes it is to see if you are keeping with the sands of time.
How is everything on that other side of yours? Well here everything is just half lemon half sugar to makeit schweppes. How is your schooling? How are you pulling the wagons of life? I am just pulling the schooling thing like a donkey pulling a cart.
My honie, i am missing you v! ery much right now, my heart is perambulating with every word that i write, if it was not for these oceans that decided to flow between us then i would get on the next bus to come and see you, but until then i know that i will not hesitate to put this blue blood on this paper and write to you. I remember that day lovie, that one sweet day as Maria Curry sanged it, you know that it is my favorites song honie, the one day that we were boarding the combies and you escorted me to my home, walking with you just brought sweet dreams to me for the rest of my life honie.
If words! of love could ride a bicycle I would be competing against Diego Maradona. Anyways, i will not stop you from reading the books that give you life and education so I will stop here for today.
Please always writing to me because I am missing you like sugar misses tea.
My dedications to you are :
Maria Curry – One Sweet Day.
Boys to Main – And of the Rod
Keep well my mop of my heart,
Yours in flesh and in blood, Wakaguku
P.S. Sorry about my english, I did not learn anymore

 
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Posted by on February 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

GIKUYU Equity ATM

DEAR CUSTOMER

Equity bank has now improved its state of the art ATMs that are programmed in Kikuyu!

The Kamba version is coming soon the delay is due to the complicated KAMBA ALPHABET!

The ATMs have rejected the Luo and Luhya version therefore an expert has to be brought in from UK to solve the problem.

The Kikuyu service goes like this ” Urenda mbeca cigana “, options are -Kamfifty? -Igana? -Kiamatano? -Ngiri? ona kana -mbao? Ino ni fengi yaathini, tiga thooooni…….thura tu!

If you put the wrong code, you get this message, -Tiga wana, ni ngumeria kadi yaku.

If you key in more money than you have, – i kai mundu uyu urenda atia, tiga uichi, andika mbeca iria ui winacio

When it asks you to key in your pin number – theca namba cia mbini wakorwo niuraciririkana. Akorwo ni atm kadi ya mundu uiyite na riu ni kungesi namba, io kadi nongumeria!!

When you have no funds. -uumuthi eitha ukuinuka maguru kana umenye kuria ukuiya mbeca. Wiriga kuiga mbeca ri?? nikii? kai utari thoni? Inuka!

When you just want to know the balance. -balansi yaku ni fifty, urutite nginya depositi na riu no thitima na maratathi ma Equity urahuthira, kwananga! CONOKA MUNO!!

When you have withdrawn some cash & you do not require a receipt. -oooo kumbe niwamenya ndunatigia ona dururu!!!! ha ha ha!!!!!!

GO FOR IT………..THE MOST USER FRIENDLY BANK

Kind regards,

James Mwangi

CEO EQUITY BANK

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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KCPE 2010 MATHEMATICS PAPER 1/B

Attempt any question you deem fit……

1.    A normal person X wants to become a politician. What would you deduct from him to make him one?

a) Common Sense

b) Honesty

c) Brains

d) All the above

2.    A man voluntarily flies to the Hague and back on a commercial jet in a total of five hours. Assuming the distance to Hague is 10,000 Km, how long will he take to come back if he goes there in handcuffs?

3.    Mr. Wetangula bought a piece of land for 1.1 billion which is 200% higher than the cost price. How much will the transaction cost him?

a) His reputation

b) His job

c) His Salary

d) All the above

4.    The city council charges Ksh.140 to park a car in Nairobi and clamp it if the owner doesn’t pay and charge him an additional Ksh.1500. If a VITZ owner doesn’t pay parking, how much will the owner pay in total if the car is clamped?

a) A Vitz is not a car

b) Ksh.20: The equivalent of children park-entry fees.

c) They can’t clamp the wheel of a Vitz. It’s too small.

d) He won’t pay. He’d rather buy a new Vitz. It’s cheaper.

5.    Using a pair of Compasses and a ruler, calculate the safest distance a person next to Raila should stand to avoid being hit by his head when he is speaking.

6.    A ministry is allocated 5 billion shillings. Which of these politicians will embezzle the funds the fastest?

a) Geoffrey Majiwa

b) Moses Wetangula

c) Charity Ngilu

d) William Ruto

7.    An average person reads a speech in One hour, Thirty five minutes. How long will it take Kibaki to read the same speech?

a) Hakuuuuuuna Haaaja.

 
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Posted by on September 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

WHO’s smarter now?

A man and his wife are in the
shower together when the
doorbell rings. The wife puts on
a robe and goes down to
answer the door.
In walks her husband’s friend
Josh. The woman tells him her
husband ’s in the shower and
asks if he can come back later.
Instead, Josh steps in and quietly
says, “I have 4000 in my
pocket. I ’ll give it to you if you’ll
open your bathrobe for me.”
She ’s offended, but really needs
the money so she agrees, opens
her robe, and lets Josh have a
quick peek before doing it up
again. Josh gives her the 4000,
and she opens the door for him
to leave, but he says, “I have
another 4000 in my other
pocket. I ’ll give it to you if you let
me touch your breasts.” Now
she ’s really mortified, but again,
she needs the money, so she
undoes her robe and lets him
have a quick feel. Taking the
other 4000 from him, she lets
him out the door.
Going back upstairs, she gets
back in the shower with her
husband, feeling a little bit guilty.
“Who was that?” the husband
asks.
“Oh, that was just Josh,” the
wife answers.
“Josh?” the husband says. “Did
that son of a bitch give u Kshs
8000 he owes me!”
Who is smarter now??

 
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Posted by on September 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

WASH BEFORE WEARING……

It is horrible. Guys tell your wife, sisters, girlfriends, and girl cousins wash bra before wearing.

ALL PLEASE WASH ALL BRAS, UNDERWEAR WHEN YOU BUY BEFORE WEARING THEM. WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT PARASITE IS IN OUR CLOTHES WHEN WE BUY THEM. FORWARD TO EVERYBODY YOU KNOW. LET ME FORE WARN YOU THIS IS SO SQUIMISH, I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IS CRAWLING ALL OVER ME EVEN AS I SEND THIS TO YOU. BE AWARE. IT IS SO GROTESQUE. PLEASE WASH YOUR UNDERWEAR BEFORE WEARING. PREFERABLY IN BOILING HOT WATER.

This is not for the weak; I have never seen anything like this. Read the article first before looking at the picture and film. This looks horrible. Oh my God!!!!!!! Ladies this could happen to you and Guys this could happen to your wife, girlfriend, partner so please BEWARE,and also warn others.

It has been reported that this is happening in Kenya as well, please make sure you iron your undergarments before you wear them and make sure that your clothes are ironed when they are dry and not damp. The picture is horrible but I felt that I should share with you. After anthropologist Susan McKinley came back home from an expedition in South America, she noticed a very strange rash on her left breast. Nobody knew what it was and she quickly dismissed it believing that the holes would leave in time. Upon her return she decided to see a doctor after she started developing intense pains. The doctor, not knowing the exact severity of the disease, gave her antibiotics and special creams. As time lapsed the pain did not subside and her left breast became more inflamed and started to bleed.

She decided to bandage her sores however as Susan's pain grew more intense she decided to seek help from a more certified doctor. Dr. Lynch could not diagnose the infection and told Susan to seek the aid of one of his colleagues who specialized in dermatology whom was sadly on vacation. She waited for two weeks and finally was able to react the dermatologist.

Sadly,a life changing event was about to unfold during her appointment.

To Miss McKinley's surprise, after she removed the bandages, they found larva growing and squirming within the pores and sores of her breast. Sometimes these wicked creatures would all together simultaneously move around into different crevices.

What she didn't know was that the holes were in fact, deeper than she had originally thought for these larvae were feeding off the fat, tissue, and even milk canals of her bosom.

Emailed image and video purport to document the medical case of anthropologist Susan McKinley, who failed to seek treatment for a rash and wound up with an infestation of larvae in her breast

Click to view video


Click to View Video  (video link)

more pics

 
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Posted by on September 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

BIBLE TRIVIA

BIBLE TRIVIA

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?

A.Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?

A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

 
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Posted by on September 27, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

KENYAN CONSTITUTION: The chips(funga) Act

The provisions of the CHIPS ACT are as follows:
1.       Section 2(1) provides that a chips shall always appear in a club looking fresh. Sweaty mamas wakae home.
2.       A chips shall never ask for payment after a night of sec………luded fun in a secluded place. Chipsing is free. Asking for credit, fare back home shall be taken as asking for payment and will result in disciplinary action.
3.       Chips should never come to the club with mummy,  daddy or girlfriend issues. Clubs are happy places – shida zako wacha home.
4.       Chips should never leave stuff at a man’s place so as to get an excuse to come back later. Any stuff left shall be properly disposed by the man and he shall not be liable for any loss whatsoever.
5.       Chips should remember the way they  use to the man’s residence because on the day after, no chips should expect to be seen off the stage. In fact if possible, don’t wake the man up,……….just leave
quietly.
6.       In relation to sub section 5, a chips should never ever steal or borrow anything from the man’s residence. This offence is tantamount to treason and is punishable. It should further be noted that going with the man’s jacket or pullover just coz its cold shall be deemed as stealing.
7.       A chips shall practice full disclosure before she’s fungwad. Full disclosure includes disclosing whether her hair or teeth are fake, whether she has a medical condition, or whether the club’s neon lights makes her look hotter than she really is.
8.       Chips shall leave other pals after meeting with the man. Bringing an extra mama will be taken to mean that the man is being propositioned for a 3-some.
9.       No chips shall disclose any secrets that the man might tell her when he’s tipsy. Neither shall she disclose to other people where the man lives. It is a serious offence for a chips to warn other chips that the man is a serial chipser.
10.   No chips shall come to the club at “that time of the month” and if she does she should disclose this in good time. Failure to disclose this before proceeding to the man’s residence, the said chips shall reimburse the man full costs e.g cab fare, cost of drinks, Opportunity cost (i.e the cost of incurred by foregoing/ missing out on the other available chips).
11.   We live in a dangerous world. Chips shall accept to be eaten with sauce. Not vinegar or mustard but sauce. Always remember, kuna chips imekarangwa na transformer oil.
12.   Chips shall accept the fact that they are CHIPS. Any insisting on otherwise is an offence. The only exception to this provision is when the man expressly, in writing or orally, tells the chips otherwise or a certain period has passes and the chips is still pleasing the man. However, this period shall be set by the senate in consultation with parliament. In that case, the chips will be required to make an offer for change in status quo and the man shall accept. Only then shall the chips become the legal wife of the man.

 
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Posted by on September 27, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

ENGLISH pp 2

1) Which of the following statements is the most common in Kenyan News?

a) I was misquoted

b) Ningeomba serikali

c) My Mboys

d) Step-aside

 

2) Complete the following proverb. He who laughs last______.

a) Has heard Kiraitu’s laugh

b) Has heard the OMG story

c) Is called Ngono – especially after kulungula Mugabe’s wife

d) Is a G4S employee

 

3) Water is to Ngilu as Cemetry is to ___________

 

4) A group of lions is called a pride. What do you call a group of politicians?

a) Garbage
b) Idiots
c) Same as a group of thieves
d) Same as a group of ticks

 

5) What is the future tense of I stole maize?

a) I’ll go to Hague

b) I’ll be jobless

c) I’ll be jailed

d) I’ll be a back-

 

6) Bencher Read the following passage and answer the questions that follow. It is an excerpt of a person’s monologue.
—————————-
OMG! OMG! OMG! I cant believe this. I wish he had used Kaspersky on me. Oh my God. I cant believe he just inserted his flash drive into my laptop knowing fully well it had a virus. OMG! OMG! OMG! OH MY GOD! And no antivirus can clean the system. It has to be quarantined in a coffin! OMG!
—————————-

According to the passage, why is the persona saying Oh My God?

a) The flash drive was stolen

b) The laptop belonged to someone else

c) The site of the coffin is too real

d) All the above

 

7) What is the meaning of Kaspersky as used in the passage? Explain using the   69 insertion theorem

 

8) What stylistic devices are used in phrase “inserting the flash drive” as used in the above passage?

a) Bendover

b) 69

c) Quickie

d) All the above

 

 
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Posted by on October 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

IT gals……..

CD-ROM GIRLS She is always faster and faster. And makes noise while at it!

EMAIL GIRLS Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense . And the other two you already knew!

HARD DISK GIRLS She remembers everything, FOREVER.

FLASH DISK GIRLS These ones are used on too many machines and are responsible for spreading dangerous viruses

INTERNET GIRLS Difficult to access. And they are slow too. And the fast ones are costly!

MULTIMEDIA GIRLS She makes horrible thing look beautiful.

SCREENSAVER GIRLS Good to be seen. Otherwise she is good for nothing. But at least she is beautiful.

RAM GIRLS She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS’ GIRLS Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SERVER GIRLS Always busy when you need her.

GOOGLE GIRLS Know it alls. STAY AWAY FROM THESE ONES!

VIRUS GIRLS Also known as “wife”. When u are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all ur resources. If u try to uninstall her u will lose something, if u don’t try 2 uninstall her you will lose everything… So … what type are you or what type have you met?

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

OCAMPO 6………………………….even you u can make a judgement

 
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Posted by on October 13, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

PROPHET STICKS FINGERS INTO WOMEN’S PRIVATES IN HEALING SESSIONS

 

THE much-talked about Incredible Happening Church’s “demon banishing” service in Katlehong on Sunday resembled a shoot for a blue movie.

We saw the church leader and self-styled prophet Paseka Motsoeneng insert his fingers into the vaginas of two female congregants as part of a ritual he performed to expel the demons that had allegedly possessed them.

Motsoeneng’s unorthodox demon banishing methods, which Sunday World has been advised might constitute indecent assault, left a bitter taste in the mouths of other help-seekers who attended the services.

Sitting on the lap of a female congregant, Motsoeneng placed his hand on the head of a 17 year-old teen, who cannot be identified due to her age, and started praying for her.

Motsoeneng told the congregants her tummy had swelled up because some sorcerers had cast an evil spell on her.

As he was praying for her she collapsed. Motsoeneng then told the teenager, who was lying on her back, to open her legs, which she did.

He then plunged his fingers into her private parts and started moving his fingers inside her vagina.

As he was busy with his “healing process”, Motsoeneng ordered her to call him by his nickname, Mboro.

“Say Mboro,” he ordered her.

“Mboro” she said, with a stifled cry.

He was interrupted by a female congregant who brought him a glassful of what looked like ice-cream, which she spoon fed him. He was still sitting on the woman’s lap.

While eating, Motsoeneng again ordered the teenager to call his name, which she did.

He then invited a woman he said was a “medical doctor” and whom he called Zozo to examine the teen.

“This is a qualified doctor who will tell us what the problem is with this woman,” he said.

By this time a group of female congregants had draped her lower body with what looked like a towel and surrounded her to prevent voyeuristic people from seeing her private parts.

“Dr” Zozo then inserted what she said was pregnancy test apparatus into the girl’s vagina, with Motsoeneng looking on.

“The pregnancy tests came out positive. She is pregnant. I could also feel the limbs of the foetus,” Zozo announced .

As Zozo was leaving the scene, Motsoeneng screamed: “Zozo, she is bleeding and her tummy has subsided.”

Zozo went back to inspect her before she rushed outside. She then came back wearing gloves and holding a pregnancy test kit.

She inserted them into the teen’s vagina and took them out.

She announced: “Now the kit shows neither positive nor negative results.”

Motsoeneng chimed in: “It is because she was sleeping with an animal.”

Motsoeneng then asked the teenager if she was sleeping around with men.

“Did you donate your biscuit to men?” he asked her.

“No” she replied.

He then said: “Haai, I want to ask all men in here to stop eating biscuit. Do you hear me? You must not eat biscuit anymore,” to which the visibly disgusted men did not respond.

Motsoeneng then asked a women to fetch a bucket.

The young lass was then lifted from the ground and made to sit on the bucket with her legs wide open, bleeding profusely, while Motsoeneng looked on.

He then said a stone had blocked her vagina and called a cameraman to come and film her, but changed his mind.

“This won’t be flighted on TV,” he said.

Two weeks later the teenage girl was shown on Motsoeneng’s programme on Soweto TV holding stones she claimed had come out of her vagina.

We had seen no such thing.

While his helpers and Dr Zozo were attending to the lass, Mboro called another young woman to the stage and made her lie down.

The young woman, who was not asked to identify herself, was told to tell the packed hall what her problem was.

“I haven’t slept with my husband for some time because it hurts when we make love.

“Every time he penetrates me, it feels like he is cutting me with a sharp knife,” she said.

Mboro took off his shoes and placed his foot on her vagina.

“There’s something breathing in her biscuit. It feels like a heartbeat,” he said.

He later ordered the woman to take off her undies. She complied. He said he wanted to “stitch it with his holy water”.

Motsoeneng sprinkled water on his right hand and rubbed the woman’s genitals.

He ordered her to call her husband “with all the nice words in the book of love and tell him she would discharge her conjugal rights”.

“I’m now going to give it to you. You’ll eat nicely. The hunger is gone,” she said coyly.

Motsoeneng then called her husband and instructed him to “give her a deep kiss”.

After they kissed, Motsoeneng added: “Stop because I can see that you want something. You’ll finish the rest in bed when you get home.”

He called another young girl whom he accused of having been a Satanist who conjured up evil spirits. He asked his helpers to undress her and check if her vagina was wet.

After examining her they said she was dry. He asked the congregation whether he should expel her but they begged him to forgive her.

 
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Posted by on December 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

CHIKU! weeee! never again try to bust a dr.

AKINYI: hello, shiko i think my husband is cheating on me

SHIKO: why do u think so? whats his name and what does he do?

AKINYI: his name is Ombewa, he is a pharmacist at umoja and i found sweet messages in his phone from a lady called beatrice

SHIKO: ok lets find out if hes really cheating on u *ring ring….ri ng…ring*

OMBEWA: hallo.. .the digits being displayed on my android 2960 as incoming are foreign to my records, which assembly of co-joined alphabetical letters shall i embed to the person seeking my audience via the cellular?

SHIKO: hello mr. ombewa, my name is sharon from the safaricom shinda na milli promotions and i woud lo….

OMBEWA: pardon my interjection but substitute the prefix Mr. with “Dr.” b4 uttering my name as this will avoid confusion with other ombewa’s and appreciate the years i sacrificed in attaining that status. it is of paramount importance that i percieve this conversation to be channelled only in my direction.

SHIKO: ok dr. ombewa, im sharon from safaricom shinda na amilli and im pleased to inform u that u have won a vacation for two this weekend at mombasa..

OMBEWA: finally safaricom has recognised the reasoning behind their hug profit margins steming from the bulk calls i instigate for both local and international. i accord ur gesture with hospitality. .. SHIKO: ok so i would like the name and details of the person u will be taking to the trip OMBEWA: where they seek her name, just scribble the words “Dr. ombewa’s companion”

SHIKO: sorry sir, but we actually need a name

OMBEWA: Beatrice njeri

SHIKO: ok, thank u sir… i want u to talk to the show promoter so that she can give u the details for ur trip to coast *shiko connects akinyi*

AKINYI: ombewa wewe…huyooo beatrcice kwisakuwa nani?

OMBEWA: ur promoters vocal cords transmit sound in the replicas of my wifes tone. thats astounding

SHIKO: ombewa naitwa shiko, from classic 105..hii ni busted..

OMBEWA: u alerted me that u r sharon from safaricom, now shiko from classic 105. subjecting my experience in the field of pharmacetuals and doctorate to practice i can deduce that u are suffering from multi-personality dis- order. i can prescribe u some recomendable medications for ur ailments AKINYI:wewe ombewa kwisa-acha kutangatanga na maneno, ni mimi bibi yako akinyi ambayo wewe naangalia wasichana wengine nyuma yake

OMBEWA: akinyi, nyar-loka.. yawaa u achieved a job at safaricom as the promoter?..with ur education tht is remarkable

AKINYI: propaganda hawesi kusaidia sai, ambia mimi beatrcice kwisakuwa nani?

OMBEWA: akinyi yawaaa, beatrice is just patient i treated and this un-expecte d trip to mombasa was just an avenue to assist in her recuparation via therapy

AKINYI: hawesi danganya mimi kama mtoto, Unataka ata mimi nihanye sasa. si ni cha hivyo. si ni tit for tat

OMBEWA: yawaaa nyaber do not retaliate in that manner. i detar u to expose that which is matrimonially exclusive to my corneas

AKINYI: ata mimi apana taka wewe sasa….en da na hiyo ndogo ndogo yako na hapana rudi kwa nyumba yangu

OMBEWA: u cannot decree a personna non grata upon me as regards to my dwelling. i am the one who remunerates the landlord on a monthly basis

SHIKO: si uambie bibi yako beatrcice ni nani?

OMBEWA: first and foremost shiko this conversation is recorded on my state of the arts phone. my lawyer will comb the dialogue and sue u for impersonating a safaricom agent and causing me emotional discomfort by instigating deception upon my intellect that i have won trip to mombasa

AKINYI: ambia hiyo loya’ yako aanze kutengenezea wewe karatasi ya divos. mimi akuna mahali napelekana na wewe. wewe naesa letea mimi hayaki

SHIKO: ombewa dont u think that u shuld apologise to ur wife

OMBEWA: cease this dialogue b4 i enforce another suit against u for diminishing the voltage in my android via this misplaced conversation

AKINYI: yaani wewe bado narusa vitisho na wewe kwisasikwa na suruali chini?

OMBEWA: akinyi depart from my dwelling. you ignite cerebral discomfort everytime u spark arguments with my intellect. profits has eluded my pharmacetual business from the fact that i divert most of the medications to treat the never ending head-aches u inflict on me. i used to think that u were my missing rib that i finnaly found only to realise in the end that i ended up with OKIYA OMUTATA’S missing fibula. please go… go and locate your tibia .

 
13 Comments

Posted by on December 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

WAKIKUYU na pesa…. BOSS!!!

    • The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said ‘I have to talk to you.
      We have some Kikuyus up here in heaven that are causing problems.
      They’re swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are
      wearing Savco jeans instead of their white robes, they’re riding pick
      up trucks instead of the chariots, and they’re selling their halos to
      people for discount prices. furthermore, they refuse to keep the
      stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway
      hawking their wings!

      The Lord said, ‘Kikuyus are Kikuyus. Heaven is home to all my
      children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil.’
      The Devil answered the phone, ‘Hello? hold on a minute.’ The Devil
      returned to the phone, ‘OK I’m back. What can I do for you?’ Gabriel
      replied, ‘I just wanted to know what kind of problems you’re having
      down there.’ The Devil said, ‘Hold on again. I need to check on
      something.’ After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and
      said, ‘I’m back.Now what was the question?’ Gabriel said, ‘What kind
      of problems are you having down there?’ The Devil said, ‘Man I don’t
      believe this…….Hold on.’

      This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said,
      ‘I’m sorry Gabriel, I can’t talk right now. Those Kikuyus have put out
      the fire and are selling me a match box if I want to put the fire up
      again

 

 
4 Comments

Posted by on December 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

TOO MUCH CRAP!!! MAiNA n MWaLIM

Several lewd SMS messages sent by the public to Kenya’s popular Classic FM radio channel during its popular interactive sessions have been dumped on the internet, exposing private mobile numbers in a move that could stir family discords and expose the station to potential lawsuits.

 

Sources said the channel, part of the fast-growing Radio Africa Limited, has launched an investigation to ascertain who was responsible for the malpractice that would, by default or design, push the channel to new heights or new lows. In addition, it might force some advertisers to withdraw refuse from having their products at the station, experts added, cautiously.
Only the company’s IT experts, programmers and some journalists have an access to the exchange system, said one employee. “Whoever did that has clearly wasted us,” said one source. But other sources pointed fingers at Radio Africa itself, explaining that it would have sacrificed its audience’s privacy to boost its market ratings, a practice that is common in broadcast media.

 

A few years ago, Classic FM’s sister channel, KISS FM, staged one of the most creative stunts, duping the media that its star presenter, currently the marketing manager, Carol Mutoko had been kidnapped. International news agencies like Reuters wrote the story only to realize that it was a victim of a plot to market the then infant in the Kenyan radio scene.

 

Legal experts said that the move could expose Classic FM to potential private-related lawsuits. They added that the scandal, the worst-ever betrayal of the naive public, gives fresh strain to the Communication Commission of Kenya, to extend its tentacles into the working of the media, notably the inspecting the reliability of the technology used to handle public information.

 

Members of the public bristled with anger, pointing a finger at the media. “We do not need the media to talk about sex lives of members of the public. Now, Classic has gone to far with this. They must be stopped now or we will slide to a level not imagined,” groaned a man.

 

The scandal comes as the media world is reeling from revelations that journalists who worked for media mogul Rupert Murdoch’s News of The World in the United Kingdom hacked voicemails of many celebrities and members of the royal family as well a school girl who was murdered. This compelled him to close the 168-year-old newspaper.
Jackal News would like to warn the public that next time you send an SMS to a radio station during its interactive session, know that your number is logged in and the message itself is exposed to a selected few in the station.

 

Topic someday was; partying without panties.
Why do ladies go nuts whenever they see celebs?

254737933XXX
Classic fm. Maina its not our fault u guys drive us craizie na if u mix wid manyege wat cant we do? Luv u guys

254721969XXX
Fally Ipupa ni msupuu. I didn’t remove my pant but had an orgasm by imagining him in me…………. I didn’t misbehave that much.

Mornng maina & mwalimu, i was @ mike murimi mugithi wth bibi wa bro wangu. nilimwona akijitia kidole halafu akalamba na akaonyesha murimi! All the ladies were doing it. Karibu nikufe na heart atak.

254723055XXX
Maina! Wanawake wana wazimu, mwingine alirushia husband yangu panti yake kwa uso tukiwa lunch wimpy! Na huzzo akaiweka kwa mfuko. Nilifeel mbaya.

254722777034
Maina, I hiked a lady neighbor-senior admin UNEP. Frm the blues she told me “am in red thongs”, unziped n asked me if i could run my fingers

A few from the archives……

254720428XXX
Hi maina.i couldnt contribute on y’days topic coz i was wth my hubby who soils & urinates on hmself mpaka ndani ya viatu akilewa.pls ask such men wat goes on in thea minds b4 & afta such deeds.wats thea xcuse?do they gve a damn abt th family feelings?pls i need 2kno.Dont call me now.he is asleep. Ameingia kwa keja 5am. LENA

254714924XXX
maina, mine is terrible-he has nothin, haja soma-yani my peroz and family dont penda him-I wish I “road tested” him first coz after kumuoa, I found out ako na kitu kama ya mtoi. am sexually starved-pals tell me to get shag buddy, dildo, av thought of goin gay yani the options are still comin-i am absolutely single and willing to mingle though married-love you guys

254722170XXX
Hi, maina cal me if u find time. I walked into my house only to find my husband having sex with his younger sister. Akaniuliza ‘havent you heard of privacey’. I’m confused. Gday

254725616XXX
Maina,my boyfrnd who is maried wants 2 funguwa my boot na hajawahi funguwa ya bibi yake.pls help mi cz istl lov him.mary 4rm kisii.

254726656XXX
Mina its just naturall a woman can make love with more than 3 men in one day so long as u know how to take a shower well no man will ever know. Me I must get it from our tea boy at work juu ni msupuu, a mechanic who operates in the plot next to jobo and a neighbors son when he’s on holiday. Na bado mzee wangu kant notice.

254725555XXX
Hi maina, am screwed daily b4 i get home, i get 2 the house take a bath and if my man wants i’ll give it 2 him ave aborted 2wice nd he’s nvr known. From Milli

254718782XXX
Classic H! MaUna n mwalim am munaa frm mbs n am in luv with my father in law n am 26 yrs his 57yrs n i luv him more than my hasband. We’ve been sleeping with him tangu my first yr in marriage. Ako na kitu kubwa!

254712405XXX
Classic 105, Hi maina, mine was worse coz my mum’s boyfriend alifanya juu chini tulale pamoja, and he succeeded kumbe he turned out to be HIV positive. Nimeregret sana.

254720474XXX
050003E70301Hi Maina,i was married, I cookd 4him variety of food,respectd him,na palepale,i was da driver.He askd m 4 a3rd party,n brought her as he wishes.He statd beating m up,akaninyima my right place of sex coz he wntd ma Ass !Men cnt b satisfied wit 1woman

254726837XXX
0500034A0201Ma husband’s libido is veri low.Marrd 3yrs now and have neva seen his goods only by accdent. Now its 3mnths snc we had sex. We have bcam a Bro an a sis. Am suffering sexualy wat do i do.But am hapi in al other areas

254733251XXX
Maina todays discussion has to be longer,we are miserable women..we end up having affairs with relatives…help us. Like now am sleeping with my first cousin…wambui

254729787XXX
Hi Maina. Been in a rut too .Married 4 the last 24 yrs to this ng’ombe. Love was alive for only the first year then we became hse mates. It’s too bad mpaka he can’t rise to the occasion for me. And he’s also tiny. So imagine a small thing that can’t wake up. Pathetic!

254722786XXX
0500032B0202 this lady has being using my husbands 4ne when they r 2gether in bed telng mi 2listen hw sweet my husband is en then she screams. God wht im i sapposed 2do.

254721691XXX
Nothing wrong with a woman who can control her drinking like me. My hubby is a drunk who cant control his drinking. Alikuja sato morning high akakojoa ndani ya wardrobe badala ya choo yet he keeps saying am the drunk! Karo

254716671XXX
Dnt be stupid Maina…I have a woman who drinks n she is generally n extremely dirty, first her genitals! Beer aint good 4 women… am tired of being woken up at 3am four times a week kumfungulia. Last week I refused to open and found her in the watchman’s kibanda in the morning on my way to work. I’ve kept wondering if she gave him.

254722609XXX
Maina morning am a drinker n trust me i hv never ceased to be a gud mother to my 3 kids n wife to ma hubbi. The fact that naweza maliza 2 bottles of viceroy in one night doesn’t make me a bad mother! Jana nilikunywa 3 quarters juu kulikuwa Sunday.

254722483XXX
So maina what if she drinks and doesnt come home and doesnt want to be asked where she is? Mine went out on Friday jioni and akarudi jana morning. Nikamuuliza ikakuwa vita. We have 3 yr old twins. Naogopa ukali wake.

254715786XXX
Hi Maina,salimia King’ang’i. Maina,wachana na hao wanasema ati bibi asilewe. My wife drinks,I don’t. Na mimi humpeleka kwa bar namwacha huko akitosheka ananipigia ama analetwa na rafikfi zake. Only one day I was worried. Alinipigia akiwa florida 5am and her friends walikuwa wamemwacha. Apart from that day, I see no issues with her enjoy a drink.

254722162XXX
Hi Maina, am irene 24 yrs. I was involved with a catholic priest . He took me from my rural home and rented a hse 4 me . akaleta brother yake akanilazimisha nilale nayeye. Sikujua alikuwa anapenda porno pia. When I refused kuwatch nayeye akanifukuza. Plz help me kol him juu hachukui simu zangu. His fone no. 0721 895762 or 0735854143(Fr.Joseph

254725939XXX
Maina, his weight bothers me coz it affects palepale imagine ana choka haraka sana and he drips streams of sweat!na style zingine hawezi! Every time we do it, am worried atakufa juu yangu na vile ni mzito! mariam

254703974XXX
Av bn married 4one yr.Hez gaining weight n maina u knw the kitambi bng a pivot on me that puts me off! Namuona akiwa naked sometimes nakimbia kwa choo nitapike! n the longest he cn go is 4mins!he rols over n snores.nkt! I normally just sit and stare at his kathing vile kamekunjika naskia huzuni.

254721230XXX
Yes! I hate my husband of 23 years he eats like a big pig! Kitambi kama ya ngombe! Yeye huleta food kutoka fridge ili akule kwa bedroom usiku. Na bonoko ni kama yesu. Bado nangoja irudi.

254750383XXX
Morning Maina? Can you imagine comìng home 5pm and ur wife in nities with a stocking on, matiti hunging kama socks, the hse is dirty and the bed is not even made. Why not stay away get drunk and come at 3am and find this monster asleep. Ubaya nakuja nimelewa and see her thing juu amelala fuaa and she doesn’t shave. She makes me sick!

254721331XXX
Hey Maina and Kingangi,i use to treat my huby like a king,gave him all the fredom and happiness in the world but u know how he repayed,he left me and now he’s living with an old woman whom you Maina know.He left me with a kid of 11/2yrs.

254727113XXX
Maina, my man is always at home early. What is the formula for sending him away? Every time I pass him, he wants sex. It’s too much! Take him with you to your bar. I’ll even pay you.

And on today’s topic on doing it with in-laws, here are some texts….

254716191XXX
Me i do it every 9te 4 de last 3month wid my bro-in-law iam 18 i dont like it coz ihv ma boyfriend in coast n ihv never sexed wid him I dont know wat 2do ATÂ

254722489XXX
Maina my real mother has been molesting me. Niliamka nikamukuta akininyonya. Who can I report to? Steve

254724370XXX
MAINA NOT OUR DAD ALOME. AV BIN HAVING AFFAIR WITH MA ELDER BRO NA TUMEZAA A BABY BOY. TOO MUCH ATTACHED N NONE OF US IS MARIED.HE REALY SATIFIES ME SEXUALLY

254723147XXX
Hey Maina pliz help me cos i found out that am datng my half bro. na ninaexpect! help. Brenda
And a karandom one…

254733573XXX
My wife is so dull, every time I try some positions all I get is “Baba nani, usiniharibu huko nyuma!” na dada yake ananicheki.

 
7 Comments

Posted by on December 27, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

FACEBOOK WEDDING…… Esther Arunga n Quincy Timberlake

It ends well…. you know. “you may now poke the bride”. May be they relationship ended after Quincy poked Arunga while she was standing on a cliff. may be!!

 
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Posted by on December 28, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

“QUANTUM of SOLACE” kenyan version

Assume the movie Quantum of solace was platformed in kenya by kenyans. It wouldnt go anything better than my way. I mean Munyi’s way.

This is under the courtesy of my man ANTONY SIMON MUNYI (http://www.facebook.com/munyi) oooo! not forgetn the gals n “the bad guys”

in 3

2

1

ACTION!!!!

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Watch as rapper 50 cent taken down by ILLUMINATI

I woun’t start by writing long the history of Illuminati n there big agenda’s. But same way it happened to 2 Pac, same way it happened to J.F kennedy, same way it happened  to Che Guevara, so is the same way it will happen to 50 Cent. A similar case is that of Shaquille O’Neal, also known as ShaqAttack, ShaqFu, ShaqDiesel. SHAG was pu tunder threat that his career or his life would  be extinguished  (i dnt know how but they can do it) if he failed to join the cult…. Well, he did and he is to be priced more in this year. (lets watch the space)..

Now 50 is wallowing in fear for he is doing “nuttin of that illuminati s*^t”

In the past months, Rapper 50 Cent has been rather vocal about his troubles with his record label Interscope Records and the “politics” surrounding the music industry. Although most of his antics appeared to be caused by the constant drop of his record sales and the frustration that comes with the loss of relevancy – which usually result into a lack of respect from the record label – his recent comments took a rather grim tone when he stated: “Ill be honest I don’t think I’m gonna live much longer”. This tweet followed previous comments about his label and music industry such as: ‘I have lost all the faith in the team I’m on. I having nothing left to say I will not be promoting my music” and “Music was so much fun for me now the people and politics involved disgust me.” Is he seeking attention or simply aware of the consequences that come with breaking the Oath of the music business? Here’s an article about Fiddy’s comments…

‘I’m not going to live much longer’: 50 Cent makes macabre death prediction on Twitter

His first album was titled Get Rich or Die Tryin’.

But despite meeting his ambition after raking in tens of millions thanks to his highly profitable career, it seems 50 Cent believes he is heading for an early grave.

For the hip hop star made a series of tweets in which he said he was convinced death was just around the corner.

Fiddy, 36, said: ‘Ill be honest I don’t think I’m gonna live much longer.’

He also insisted he is ‘good if I die tonight.’

It came after he had a lengthy Twitter rant about the state of his career.

He said: ‘I have lost all the faith in the team I’m on. I having nothing left to say I will not be promoting my music.

‘I’m going to deliver this album then I have a film I wrote to focus on.

‘I’m not upset I’m just convinced this is not how I want to remembered.’

The wealthy star was alluding to his high profile falling out with his record label Interscope.

He has been attacking them in a flurry of internet messages, previously saying: ‘Were suppose to be on the same team with me.

‘Music was so much fun for me now the people and politics involved disgust me.’

Perhaps the reason they are at loggerheads is the rapper’s failure to replicate the sales success he enjoyed earlier in his career.

His 2003 debut album sold a whopping eight millions copies in the US alone, and is the fourth biggest selling rap album of all time.

It’s follow up The Massacre also did well, selling just short of five million copies in the States on its way to going five times platinum.

huh?

However 2007′s Curtis only went platinum, with sales of more than 1.3 million, while his most recent album 2009′s Before I Self Destruct fared even worse selling just 446,000 copies.

At least the rapper has been able to enjoy a profitable career away from the world of music.

He is believed to have made $100m after tax after Coca Cola bought the drinks company Glaceau in 2007.

Fiddy, real name Curtis Jackson, had a stake in the company after producing the Vitamin Water drink Formula 50

 
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Posted by on January 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

KIBAKI’S PHONEBOOK

Ever wondered how Kibaki’s phonebook looks lyk??:-y.. Well here it is;…
-Lucy nyina wa Jimmy

-Kiraitu wa Maguta;

-Ruto wa Mbembe;

-Raila Sumbua;

-Kiraithe wa Maheni;

-Nyong’o Materu;

-Atwoli wa Migomo;

-Khalwale Muceneneko;

-Kajwang wa Ibande;

-Wanjiru Muhunjia;

-Kalonzo watermelon;

-Iteere Muthigari;

-Mwau wa ndawa;

-Mutunga wa Mindira;

-Sonko wa Migathe;

-Murugi karuti nguo;

-Ngilu wa maae ma ndobori;

-Karua kaguruki;

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

The “EGOswagged” interview…….

One young man went for an Interview.

When did Kenya get independence?” He was asked.

“The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1963″ He replied.

“Who was responsible for our independence?”

“There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be an injustice to another.” He replied.

“Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?”

“Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report” He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.
When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. “At least tell me the answers” he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him.” By the way, what is your date of birth?”

He replied, “The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1960.”

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. “What is your father’s name?”

He replied, “There were so many. Whom to mention”. If I name one, it will be injustice to another”.

The interviewer was incensed.

“Hey! Are you mad or what?”

He replied. “Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report.”

 
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Posted by on January 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

After K.C.P.E results “ANTI-SUICIDE”

A mother passing by her daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter,

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

A family letter……………..from RUTO SANG MUTHAURA UHURU

RUTO/ SANG/ MUTHAURA/ UHURU.

kenya.

My very dear wife n children,
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.
Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pressure—and it may be one of severe conflict and despicable sentence to me. Not my will, but thine O God, be done. If it is necessary that I should land in the Hague for crimes I am accused of, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly Kenyan Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering in the post election violence. And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain a sober Government, and to pay that debt.
But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows—when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children—is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with Ocampo’s will.
Swry, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet Ocampo comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the Hague.
The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little son—that I shall return to my loved ones unshamed and free. If I do not, my dear wife, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me in the Hague, it will whisper your name.
Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.
But, O swry! If the victims of trial can come back and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the brightest day and in the darkest night—amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours—always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.
Swry, do not mourn me for being on trial; think I am gone and wait for me, for we shall meet again.
As for my little boys n gals, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father’s love and care. Swry, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God’s blessing upon them. O swry, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.
Loving hubby.,

RUTO/ SANG/ MUTHAURA/ UHURU.

 
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Posted by on January 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

ITS A MAN EAT MAN’S WIFE SOCIETY

 

A man went 2 his pastor, knelt down and began confesing tearfully: Pastor, I have sinned.


Pastor: My son, what did you do,just confess what exactly you did?God Almighty will forgive you

Man: (sobbing), Pastor I committed adultery with several of the female church members.
Pastor : can you mention their names and how many times you slept with each of them? You see, for your forgiveness to be complete, you need to mention them, so that we can also pray for them.
Man…: Aaaah Pastor I can’t, I am ashamed.

Pastor: Okay this is what we will do; after service, we will go to the church entrance together and watch members come out, once anyone you have slept with comes out, just say ‘pau‘. If it is once you slept with her. The Number of times you say ‘pau‘ will indicate the Number of times you slept with that particular person.
And so they went to the church entrance.:

>>Head usher passes wriggling her buttocks.
Man: Pau. Pau
Pastor: The Lord forgive you.
>> Deacon’s wife passes carrying bible.
Man: Pau
Pastor : May the Lord forgive you.
>> A choir member passes singing.
Man: Pau pau pau
Pastor: God will forgive you. Yes, he will.
>>finally behold…Pastor’s wife passes
Man: (goes off like a machine gun.)
: Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau
Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau Pau……..

Pastor: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee…wollollllloooo me oooooooooooooooooo !!!
May God punish your father!!!!!!!
God will never forgive you.!!!

 

 
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Posted by on January 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

RELATIONSHIP WIKIPEDIA

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

40-ish…………………………49
Adventurous…………………Slept with all your friends
Athletic……………………….No boobs
Average looking……………..Ugly
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…………..On medication/ menstrating
Feminist……………………….Fat
Free spirit……………………..Junkie
Friendship first……………….Former slut
Fun…………………………….Annoying
Gentle…………………………Dull
New Age………………………Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded…………………Desperate
Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate……………………Sloppy drunk
Poet……………………………Depressive
Professional…………………..Bitch
Romantic………………………Frigid
Voluptuous……………………Very Fat
Large frame…………………..Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate…………….Stalker
Widow…………………………Murderer

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN’S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

 
 
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